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How To Be Compassionate With Your Spouse
- January 13, 2023
- Posted by: Marcel Sanchez
- Category: Building a Healthy Marriage Marriage Training Relationships
There’s no doubt you’ve experienced this over the years.
You watch a story on the news about a family devastated by personal loss.
You begin to identify with their pain and suffering.
And suddenly, you’re moved to tears.
You start to identify with their pain an extraordinary suffering.
But unlike other stories, this one makes you move beyond your couch.
Not only do you identify with their sorrow, but you also act quickly.
This is the essence of compassion.
Genuine compassion moves you to act quickly.
How to Have Compassion in Your Marriage
Does being compassionate in your marriage contribute to the health and sustainability of your relationship?
Without question, yes it does.
Let’s circle back to our key passage from the Bible as we dig into this topic.
Philippians 2:1-2, CSB
If, then, there is any encouragement in Christ, if any consolation of love,
if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any affection and mercy,
make my joy complete by thinking the same way,
having the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose.
Compassion—also translated as mercy, sympathy, pity, or favor—is a key characteristic of practicing humility in your marriage.
It springs forth from the core of your soul, the seat of your emotions.
Compassion generally means to have pity or mercy on someone because of their predicament and distress, but there’s more to it.
Compassion is powerful; it moves you to act decisively on what you feel.
Compassion means to feel the suffering of another, share in their suffering, and take action to alleviate their suffering.
Compassion is others focused and action oriented.
Compassion is not passive, but proactive.
Compassion is not timid to decide, but bold to act and make a difference.
It doesn’t focus on correcting the person for whatever mistakes they’ve made that led them to their point of suffering.
Compassion looks beyond this. It looks to their pain and suffering.
Compassion seeks to thoroughly understand the pain and suffering of another, but it refuses to stop there.
It thoughtfully moves to help the one who suffers find relief.
Think about the power of compassion in your marriage.
Instead of making assumptions about how your spouse feels about a situation, you ask questions and seek to really understand how they feel.
Instead of ignoring brief comments they make about their frustrations, you stop and explore each one to see how you can identify with their struggle.
When facing difficulties, you step in and provide support proactively rather than sit back and wait for some “clue” to magically appear for you to act.
Let’s think for a moment about God’s generous compassion.
God has been generously compassionate with you in the past and He remains compassionate with you in the present.
God is rich in mercy; His mercies are new every day.
Romans 12:1
I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.
2 Corinthians 1:3
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort.
Colossians 3:12
Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience.
Considering His ongoing compassion in your life, God expects you to be compassionate with others, starting with your spouse, family, and church.
At this point you may object and say, “But Marcel, my spouse is not ‘suffering’ at all, everything is just fine in our relationship.”
Please listen, all of us struggle in life, including you and your spouse.
There are feelings of guilt or regret from past decisions that often haunt us.
At times we deal with depression, anxiety, uncertainty, broken relationships, financial hardships, various health concerns, and more.
You may read these things and say, “No big deal. Just keep moving forward.”
But not everyone—including your spouse—can respond this way.
And in these times, you need to stop making assumptions and start digging.
You need to ask probing questions to understand how they’re feeling about a person or situation and listen well.
And once the situation is understood, ask, “Is there anything I can do at this time to help you through this?”
Before you take any action, stop, and listen carefully to what they tell you.
Measure Your Compassion With Your Spouse
Good questions help you reflect more on what’s truly important in life.
The following statements serve as an informal survey to help you measure your present level of compassion in your marriage.
Remember, compassion means to feel the suffering of another, share in their suffering, and take action to alleviate their suffering.
As you read each statement, write down the measure of compassion you regularly display with your spouse.
The number zero represents no compassion, and the number ten represents extraordinary compassion.
1. When my spouse is experiencing personal challenges, I identify well with how they feel. _____
2. When my spouse is experiencing personal challenges, I stop to explore and understand their feelings. _____
3. When my spouse makes a mistake, I am quick to forgive them. _____
4. When my spouse offends me, I don’t hold grudges. _____
5. When my spouse is hurting, I give them the space they need and ask permission before getting involved in their healing. _____
6. When my spouse is sick, I go out of my way to take care of them. _____
7. When my spouse experiences sudden loss, I remain very sensitive to their needs. _____
8. When my spouse is having difficulties with others, I engage them in conversation to help them work through their thoughts. _____
9. When my spouse is experiencing deep pain, I identify well with how they feel. _____
10. When my spouse does something they’re embarrassed about, I move quickly to protect and reassure them of my love. _____
Personal Application
When you got married, you did not leave your heart at the altar.
Remember, compassion is important in your marriage.
More than anyone else in your life, your spouse needs to be the primary recipient of your love and compassion every day.
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